IT IS FINISHED!

We had the hearing on yesterday and we are now divorced.  It went as peacefully as I had prayed for.  We actually met with my attorney a month prior and prepared a consent order so the judge would not have to make any decisions for us.  Some things we did not agree on, however we did come up with an agreement that we both could live with.   On the morning before the divorce hearing, I was a little sad and did shed a few tears.  The marriage was about to be officially over.  My aunt, who was my witness, asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this.  I even asked myself the same question as I sat in my car waiting for her to come out of the house so we could make our way to court.  The answer was, "Yes, I am sure. We have a great friendship now.  Better than we ever had during our 22 years of marriage. I would rather have the great friend that I have now, then remain married and we can't stand each other." We could not stay stuck in marital separation.  We had been separated for over a year and were not working towards reconciliation.  It was time to move forward and file for the divorce.

After I was in the courtroom, the feeling of sadness left.  The funny thing is my ex-husband said that he too had shed a few tears before court and then felt better upon arriving in the courtroom.  After the hearing, he treated us to lunch.  We actually had a great time.  I was thinking , I wonder how many other couples do this after their divorce hearing.  Well,  I'm glad that we have a friendship in which we could do this.  I never imagined that being separated and going through divorce would bring us closer as friends.  We went through some growing pains during this process but I honestly believe that we are now wiser and more mature after going through it.  I am ready to Move Forward into my next level in life and I pray for nothing but the best for him.

The title of this post has a dual meaning.  Not only is the marriage finished,  but this will be my last blog post for Moving Forward.  The blog will remain up because my assignment is to  help others by sharing my experience as  I went through my process.  This part of my life is now over and I have Moved Forward and peacefully divorced.  It is time to focus on new things.  Life is full of unlimited possibilities and opportunities.  I have faith that new doors are opening for me because I am now in the right position to walk through them.

No matter how bad things seem, believe in faith that they will get better and they will.  Keep the Faith, Stay Positive, and Move Forward!

JUMP!!!

Yesterday, one of my friends shared with me the link from Family Feud when Steve Harvey shared some words of wisdom with the audience regarding being successful.  He stated that every successful person in life has taken that jump (leap of faith) and opened their parachute (our God given gifts) to become successful.  They encountered some challenges and may even have gotten hurt along the way, but eventually that parachute opened.  They are living and not just existing.  If you have not seen the video, I would recommend that you view it.  It is awesome! Even if you have seen it previously, it may be time to view it again for encouragement and inspiration. Then today, my Pastor posted on Instagram, "There can be no real fulfillment in our life unless we are fulfilling our life assignment."   God is really speaking loudly!

After taking another look at the video, I started to reflect over my life. The date of our 22nd year of marriage is approaching and so is the divorce hearing.  At times, I can be hard on myself thinking I should be further ahead in life or doing something for a living that is more fulfilling.  Yes, the choices and decisions I have made brought me to this current phase in my life.  I take ownership of it, but I also know that this uncomfortable place is not my destiny.  It is helping me to reach my destiny.  I also realized that I have JUMPED!!! I made that brave move and I filed for divorce.  We now have a better friendship than we ever had as husband and wife.  Also, God is using me in his Kingdom in ways that I never imagined.  I JUMPED!!! Two years ago, I jumped and opened my parachute and started this blog as a place of comfort and support for those going through separation and/or divorce because the struggle is real !  I may not have a million or even 20 followers on my blog but I know it is helping somebody other than myself ( I know this is one of my life assignments)  When the divorce is final, I will JUMP again because there are still parachutes I have not opened yet!  As Steve Harvey says, I have been beat up against the rocks and my parachute did not always open but I JUMPED.  One day that successful entrepreneur that lives on the inside of me will come to fruition as well as a successful marriage!

I encourage you to JUMP as well.  Make sure that when you  jump, your parachute is not loaded with "stuff" that won't allow it to open.

Emotions

When I filed for divorce last year, I naively thought that it would be over in a few months.  I learned that this is not how this thing works.  Recently, I received a text from my attorney advising me that a court date has been scheduled.  I looked at the text message for a while before I actually responded to it.  Even though I knew the time would come and I sometimes impatiently waited (just being honest) for news regarding a hearing date, I was caught off guard.  Hmm??? Well, I guess this is really happening now.  Although I'm not in love, I do love him.  If  just loving someone was enough, I guess no one would ever get divorced.  It is bitter sweet but this is a part of the process in Moving Forward and I am ready.

I am learning that each step in the divorce process brings a different type of emotion.  Even if you initiate the divorce proceedings, it is still emotional.  God made us emotional beings so they serve a purpose and aid in the healing process so don't suppress them, just flow with them.  If you ever feel as though your emotions are getting the best of you, it is good to seek medical intervention.  God gifted some to be physicians and they were placed here in the earth to help. Unfortunately in some ethnic groups, you are perceived to be "crazy" and might be criticized  if you see a therapist or a psychiatrist.  Personally, I think it takes a really strong person to admit they have a problem and seek help for it. Self examination is a difficult but necessary task.  The real "crazy" people are those who don't seek help and continue to live a miserable existence and make things chaotic for everyone around them.

Changing Lanes

Lately, my estranged husband has been on my mind.  I don’t want to reconcile, but I find myself reminiscing about fun times and funny moments that we had with the girls.  I'm pretty sure this is a part of that emotional roller coaster you experience when going through divorce.  It is true what they say about an idle mind.  I will be honest and admit that there have been days when I think “Am I doing the right thing?” Even though we are in a good space, I have to check myself and remember the reasons we are not together and why I filed for divorce.  We have changed for the better as people,but some of the issues cannot be repaired.  Just because you are good people does not mean that you are good together.  You have to forgive yourself and the other person to be free and just move on.   I am definitely not trying to live in the past or open up old wounds.  I just want to make sure I am changing lanes safely. On the road of life (just like driving a car) in order to change lanes safely, you have to do a quick head check to make sure the way is clear and that there are no obstacles in your way as you change lanes and proceed to Move Forward.

Happy Holidays

The holiday season is upon us and in full swing.  This time of the year can be a time of depression and anything less than good tidings of great joy for some individuals.  Some people feel this way because of the loss of a loved one since the last holiday season.  For those of us who are separated and/or going through divorce, this can be a painful time of us as well and is no less important than those who have lost loved ones due to a physical death.  The death of a relationship is traumatic as well.  Due to the fact that the family dynamics have changed, holiday traditions are no more.  The children may have to split time between two different house holds on Christmas.  For those who do not have children, you may be waking up to an empty house on Christmas and don’t want to get out of bed.  It is so easy to focus on the negative and what is not going right.  I want to encourage you this holiday season and every day to focus on the positive things in your life.   I challenge you, and myself, to shift the mental attitude in such a way that you start seeing the positive before the negative.  For example, the kids may spend Christmas with you and then the next day with your ex.  The positive thing is that they are spending time with both parents and they get extra gifts!  Some kids don’t have that luxury.  You may wake up alone on Christmas day, but you woke up in your house not in a hospital bed or in a shelter.  You are alive to see another day and your family can’t wait to see you later at Christmas dinner.  When you think your situation is bad, I guarantee you there is someone else’s situation that is worse.  Having an attitude of gratitude is important, so be thankful for the little things and greater is sure to come. 

A Work in Progress

 Part I
Sometimes this divorce process has me feeling like a hamster running on the wheel that keeps going around, around, around, and around.  Whew!!!  Now I’m dizzy.  He still has not been served with the divorce papers.  He did not make it to the post office in time to pick up the certified letter, so now I must have him served within the next 7 days before the 60 day deadline is over (that is 60 days from the date that my attorney filed the paper work with the court).  If not, then a petition has to be sent to the court to extend the deadline.  At this rate, I will be receiving social security before I am divorced.  O.K. , now that I have gotten that off my chest and reminded myself that these attorney fees are only temporary, I know that all things work together for my good and it will happen in God’s time not in mine.   

Part II

This past weekend we were on college tours for our oldest daughter.  Because of the pending divorce,  we stayed in separate rooms. However we did drive together. This was a new first for us.  The kids were not bothered by it at all.  The youngest two were just concerned about getting in the pool. When we checked into the hotel, I was going to make a joke about him being my brother travelling with me and the girls however I decided not to.  I didn’t want to take the risk of hurting his feelings because I was not sure emotionally how he was dealing with this.  It felt a tad bit strange for me when we arrived, but that feeling did not last long.  We even saw someone in the hotel that is really good friends with one of his siblings. She was actually staying in the room next to him. I laughed and thought what are the chances!

As we toured the colleges and walked through the streets of NYC , the thought did cross my mind that from outward appearances we must look like the "perfect family"- husband, wife, and kids.  I guess that old adage is true, you can not judge a book by its cover.  It was a good weekend for everyone and our daughter was able to remove a college from her list. She said it just did not feel like a good fit for her. After completing the tour, we had some time to visit the September 11th Memorial, Time Square, and visit a few stores. Now it was time to head home.  We arrived back home and dropped him off at his house.  The girls said bye to their dad and I thanked him for doing all the driving ( I do not like driving in NYC and he is great with directions). Then we drove to our home.  While on the drive to our house, the girls where talking about 4 years from now the next oldest daughter will be applying to college and going on college tours.  They talked about that trip and the fact that there may be step-parents involved by that time (It is not a secret that I do desire to marry again).  Even though we are dissolving our marriage, we will always be linked because of the three best things that came from that union.  I am thankful that we both had the opportunity to share this experience with our daughter.  We were not at odds with each other, we did not have any disagreements, we came together and made this thing work for our daughter.  I am so proud of that fact because some divorcing spouses can not do that. 

What Are You Expecting?

I am waiting for a court date to be set for the divorce.  Even though the paper work was filed in July, the case was not entered into the system until mid August.  When the information was entered, I discovered that the name listed for  my estranged husband was not correct nor was my address.  It was not just a misspelling of his name, it was a totally different name.  I was thinking after all the waiting, this is what happens! Really?! I am not even married to this person.  I don't even know who he is!  How will I get my summons to appear in court?  My attorney had to send a letter to the court regarding the corrections.  I had to calm myself and remember that all things work together for good so this mistake happened for some reason.  His name has just been corrected, however my address is still not correct.  I will deal with it whenever we have our hearing.  My attorney will receive a summons and will notify me.  Patience is not one of stronger attributes. The good thing is that I am honest enough to admit this and try to focus on other things while waiting.  Sometimes I have to stop myself from thinking negatively because those negative thoughts do creep in.  Thoughts like, I hope he doesn't get nasty when we have to discuss marital assets or this process will take forever.  Even though I consider myself a positive person, negatively will come.  The unfortunate thing is that most of us are wired to think negatively before we do positively.  Of course life issues will happen, but if you go through life expecting the worse, you will definitely experience the worst.  Even when something good happens, you probably won't even realize it.

I do truly believe that you will attract what you focus on the most, so I try to focus on positive and upbeat things.This even includes the people I interact with.  My friendship circle is extremely small.  The friendships and associates I have are with people who are positive and encouraging.  People who pray with me and for me.  Those who have traveled this road before me and made it to their destinations.  Even with the bends in the road they stayed focused and positive.  They have remarried and are doing well. I have discovered that you can learn something from everyone who God allows to cross your path in life be it temporary or long term.  Even those you don't like. There is always a life lesson be to learned or a nugget of wisdom gained.  It also gives you hope to know that your temporary set back can be your set up for and amazing future!